Dear me
by Jolie McNamarra
Summary: an experimental program with student who are new and been at horizon for a year
1. Chapter 1

Mr. McKall

_Who knew that a simple homework assignment, within eighth period English class. It is the smallest of tenth grade English I have ever had. My name is Mr. McKall, and what I have found out about my small class of seven students, with only one being a male, could make your heart turn circles. But I asked them if it was alright if we shared their stories, so that is what the following is. Their stories plus mine. So I hope you enjoy._

Well my name is Mr. McKall and I teach, for this year, eleventh and twelfth grade English class, along with the eighth period tenth grade English class. With my eight period class though, they attend another school besides English and Social Studies, which they attend here at Anges High School. These students are Jolie, Caddie, Jacey, Sky and Cain. The school that they attend is named Mount Horizon, but these students live at Horizon and joined up with this new experimental class.

Shall we come back to me? If you notice I tend to talk about these exceptional students. But, I grew up in the town of Agnes, so I know this area well. The school that these teens go to is twenty-five miles away, in the middle of the wilderness. They are in an experimental program. They are in my class, though other students from the school are in other classes with teachers that have accepted to take them on. The program is to integrate the students into a real school setting.

I am a fairly new teacher. I am twenty-five years old and started teaching when I turned twenty-three. Though this is my first year with this experimental program. I chose to do this program when I went to the school in which they attend to observe them to see if I was going to accept the program, but when I talked to three of the seven students. That was when I decided to take them on into my English class. I believe that the world can learn so much about these kids. Now lets get back to the assignment that I completed with them.

I told these seven students that they had to write in their English journal. The topic though was that of something new. I was going to have them write a letter. For some it was to see their writing abilities and for others it was just another entry in their journals and grad. Although for one of the girls her journal is a cassette tape that she does on her own. This is because she has a learning disability called dyslexia. Meaning what she is reading is mixed up in her mind, so with her lessons they are a bit modified. This is so that she can complete the lesson. But her journal consists of drawings and I or teachers/ counselors at Horizon write it up is the writing form so she can read what she said.

This homework assignment was a letter to them that was to be addressed to them. It was a Dear Me letter. They had to write to themselves and express what they are feeling or just about them. We were told that anything that can allow these teens to vent was the best thing for them. So that is why their English journal reflects on themselves and how they are feeling that day. So with all their assignments I also do one with them. With this entry though there was no page limit, but instead when they thought that they were finished they could close the letter.

My other associates thought that this entry was interesting and wondered what the students wrote about, but I told them thought that they had to wait and see what they wrote about because I wasn't about to give away what they wrote about. It was that of the seven teen's job to say if they wanted to give their information out or not. But they soon chose to allow others to peer into their lives. I will even incorporate my Dear Me letter.

_Dear Me_

_Who can say who we are? Do I fit the mold of an English teacher? Am I that of a good teacher? How does society see me? These questions run through my head everyday. Most of the time even every breathing moment. My life has always been nice calm and easy going._

_I grew up in the town of Agnes. Where the population seems to be quite small. Everyone knows everyone's business. But thankfully there was nothing to be spread around about me or my family. We seemed to keep to the norm pretty well. _

_I went to New York University to get out of the town to go to college. I became homesick there, but I finally got my master's degree in English Education. I knew though that I wanted to come back to Anges and teach. There was no way that this small town would be out of my life. I applied to Agnes High School and got the job almost immediately. There I was happy to be both back in town and doing the job that I loved._

_But there was one more thing that I loved. That was a woman named Leslie. She was my high school sweetheart and she waited for me to get out of college to continue our ever loving relationship. And that is what we did. About a year ago we got married. Now we are expecting our first child and I am more scared then I have ever been in my entire life. How can I be twenty-five and already going to be in charge of such an innocent little being. I don't know if I can._

_We know that we are having a little girl. I am pretty excited about having a daughter, her being daddy's little girl. But at the same time wondering if I am going to have the time and ability to be there for her. Most people read books about how well to be a parent, but how can you know if you are ever going to be the best parent you can. I lie awake most nights and wonder how I am going to affect her life. I seriously can't tell if I am going to be the parent that she needs._

_Right now we are working on her nursery wondering if pink is going to be the color, purple. What is going to be in there? My mind just spins in circles. Knowing that she is going to depend on me, then turning to my students and knowing that she could be anyone of them when she gets older. _

_How am I going to keep her safe? Allow her to lean on me, but also be her own individual. Most of the time if gets confusing, but I know if I am there then she will allow me in._

_That is what is new in my life and that is really freaking me out. I watch my eleventh grade and twelfth grade students and know that most of their lives are what you see on the outside, but then I look at my tenth graders and see that what they are on the outside is just a cover for what is on the inside. How can the world see their pain when it is so hard for them to feel it? We need to make it right. We can't judge anymore, just allow them to be them._

_That is about all I have to say. There isn't much about me. Just Mr. McKall. The nerdy English teacher. Normal life with some confusion shot in there. _

_Mr. McKall_


	2. Chapter 2

**Jolie**

I guess I should start out by saying my name is Jolie McNamarra. This is actually my first complete whole year at Horizon. I entered it when I was fourteen and now I am fifteen. I know that things have been rough for me here, but I learned to adapt to them. I know that I may be a tenth grader, but I think everyone that attends our school is a bit more mature and grown up then the rest of the students at Anges High.

A little bit about me? Well I grew up in Manhattan, New York with my father. Because my mother abandoned me on a city corner when I was five. I never saw her until I was thirteen either. But when I was little I was always into music and dance. Since I have never been good at academic work. I even got to dance for the New York Rockettes at the Radio City Music Hall.

Well one day my father and I were joking around. It was around my Uncle Rodney's birthday so we were walking to his apartment after work. It was always a tradition of ours since he had no family but his girlfriend and it was always my father and I. Nothing real special. But he came and picked me up from my school. Which was Saint Charles school for gifted children. Basically a school where students can participate in what they are good at and through that concentrate on the school work that needed to be accomplished.

Well my father and I were walking home from school, when we started to make fun of each other and push each other around. Well I guess I pushed him to hard and he fell into the street where no one really saw it coming not even me. A car pinned him against another. He died a little later at the hospital when they promised me that everything was going to be okay. I spent the entire time there wondering why I did it.

My father was my best-friend. He was the only one that I could run home to and talk about my day with. He loved me more then anything else. He promised to be there with me every moment of my life. And then I killed him. I should have never pushed him. I mean it was only a game but it should have never happened. The funny thing was that my mother only wanted to know if she got any money. Not even concerned with me. Only thing that she got was me. That and I was the person who was in charge of my father's partnership in his business and got all of his money.

Well three weeks after my father's death I came to live with my mother. Things at first seemed to be going great, but it didn't end up that way. She had married a man more then half her age older. He had four sons. The are Mark, Shayn, Kelly, and Lance. I thought it may be better then being an only child. If you could only know how many silent screams that I had screamed due to their pain that they have placed on me. Made me scared of the dark. Not letting me breathe. Why? I always asked myself. Was I child that at thirteen needed to know what it was like to be raped? It was my birthday. What did I ever do to have them hurt me so much? I tried to change but I couldn't my father brought me up better then that. But when he, my step-father joined in it hurt even more. I cried so many nights. Afraid that that door was going to open. It was a guessing game who was going to be next. Silently I screamed for help as I clutched my pillow case for comfort.

I didn't know what else to do but run. I would be away for weeks before they noticed I was gone or reported me gone. I sold myself on the streets. No one knows that, because I can't tell them. They will hurt me or look at me differently. I am sorry Adriane and Curt. But that's my secret. I don't know if I am diseased or not. I'm scared but I can't tell you guys. So I will write it and express it. That might help.

My counselor at my high school told my mother about Horizon and I was sent here. Guess what I love it here. I have a new life. People who care. I do lash out when I don't know how to express how I am feeling. But that is me. Well enough about my life. I guess it is time for my letter to myself.

_Dear me,_

_I want to tell you that you are the best person that your father loved. He loved you more then anything in the world Jolie. Understand that. I know you do. You understand more then you know. You didn't kill him and never blame yourself. It was proven that he was drunk. The driver of the car. You know that. You will learn to trust your heart to someone. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But you will I promise you. Who better to believe then yourself._

_Lets start out with your mother and your step-family. It wasn't your fault. Get that. You played the cards that you were dealt. You played a great hand. Guess what they are all in jail now Jolie. You got them what they deserved. _

_Allow yourself to open up to people okay. Curt. He isn't that bad. He is a male, but guess what he protected you. Why is it that I need to convince you that you are you. Jolie allow them in. Adriane, Curt, Cal, everyone. Jolie let them in. I don't know what you are doing. Stop putting up the wall that you are okay. You aren't. You need their help. Just let them do that. They aren't going to leave. If they do, they will come back. Jolie even if they go, it isn't your fault. _

_I think all I have to tell you: Stop being so hard on yourself. Just stop. I don't know what else to say. Actually I do. Jolie I love you. You don't hear it enough. I think you deserve to. That is all I have to say. I don't really understand the assignment so I will just end it here._

_I love you,_

_Jolie_

_PS: Give people a chance, they deserve to know you._


	3. Chapter 3

Caddie

I guess this journal entry has to have some purpose to it. My name is Cadtalina Daniels, but if you call me Cadtalina you maybe hurt. For my name that I go by is my god given name of Caddie. Just for those of you who are wondering or trying to pronounce my name it is Cad-die. Easy enough, so don't get it wrong.

Okay so I am going to explain my life to you. Now please do not turn your head in disgust, because I would have never changed it if you paid me. My father is minister of my home town. My family used to be: my father, my mother, my brother Brett, my sister Kari, and I. that was until my father decided to have an affair with Sister Maria. She is such a tramp. So that ended my parent's relationship. Brett soon began to pay more attentions to his athletics. While Kari felt the need to get away. So she would run and live on the streets.

That left me. Mother was always worried about Kari and father was always involved with the church and Sister Maria. Brett did his own thing and went off to college with a sports scholarship. I looked up to Kari so I tried many of times to find her on the streets but I failed at this. But I soon found something that I couldn't fail at. The scars on my arms can truly show how I allowed my body to release the pain. There would be pools of blood where I laid many of times, with no one knowing. I quit going to school and no one know that either.

One day I went to church to talk to my father, as a father not a minister. But what I walked in on was my father and Sister Maria going at it. I didn't know what else to do but run to get that image out of my head. I found myself at the top of the balcony looking down. What I did next I will never regret. I jumped off. My father and Sister Maria found me. I think I was told fifteen minutes later. That was when they found I was cutting myself. Then my bags were packed and I was on my way to Horizon. The same school that Kari was sent to. Into the shadows I go again.

I did some stupid things while I was at school. Such as trying to steal some knives and jumping out of a tree. What I did do though was formed a bond with adult two of them most importantly. They are Magical and Nick. Without those two I wouldn't be were I am today. So I don't know if they know this or not but they saved my life and I want to thank them, but I don't know how to say thank you. I have never had to before. I hope though that I can.

Okay, okay. Here is my letter.

_Dear me,_

_You are just not Caddie, but you are Cadtalina. You are not your sister's shadow. But stand up to her. She can not control you, but you control yourself._

_I know I don't have to tell you much, because you aren't dumb Caddie. Just do both of us a favor and allow yourself to cry. That's right Caddie just cry. It might help you will never know unless you try._

_Stop your suicide attempts and cutting. Please I beg of you. Allow your mind to feel your pain finally. Caddie please allow yourself to smile and be who you used to be. Because guess what. Be yourself because everyone else is taken._

_Love you thicker then blood,_

_Caddie 3_


	4. Chapter 4

Jacey

My name is Jacey Calaway. I am a teen mother to an eight month old little boy. Kaleb Conyr Calaway. He is my life. The reason I wake up and trudge the day. To know that I am here to create a better life for me and my son. I wasn't like this before Horizon though. I actually denied my son. But have no fear the prequel to my letter is as follows.

When I was fourteen I got my first serious boyfriend. We were dating for about three months before we had sex. It was our first time so we didn't know what we were doing. Well yea it can happen the first time, even if you have no idea what you are doing. I am the poster child for that.

I guess I was rebelling against my parents divorce. My parents got a divorce and I felt as though in some way that it was my fault. My father went his separate way and my mother went on a perfect rampage. Macey (my sister) and I used to go over to my father's house, but he didn't know how to be a father. So I did everything. He didn't even know that I was pregnant until one month before I had my son. While my mother got all perfectionist on us. Hair, room, homework, and family values. So, she was devastated that I was pregnant. She had to punish me in such a way that I would learn my lesson.

Well, when Kaleb was born my mother made me keep him as that punishment. I had no care for him. I even dropped him off at Nat's house. (Nat dumped me the moment that I told him that I was pregnant.) Well, Nat's front door step, only to find him on my back door porch. This time he had a note attached to him with Nat saying: 'Don't drop your problems on me.' What a great start. To tell you the truth I neglected him for his first six months. My mother took care of him and decided to take me to Horizon so that I can get my head on straight.

At Horizon I was quite and didn't talk much. I didn't want anyone to know my secret and look at me weird to begin with I had a son and how many people really had children at this school. Eyes probably would have turned the same way that they did when I was pregnant at school. My mother did that as a punishment too. She made me walk the halls of school pregnant and wear the outfits I used to before I was, so that the students would know that I was.

Well things were going great at Horizon. I recognized Kaleb was my responsibility and that I needed to take care of him. How much I loved him so much. But then tragedy struck. It struck hard and gave me so much fear. I had to leave Horizon and tend to my son. He was hospitalized for an unknown illness. I spent every moment in that hospital. It was a month and a half before he got better. No one knew what was wrong but Macey. She took me aside and told me that my mother was trying to poison Kaleb so that the perfect family would return back. That I screwed up that picture with my son.

Macey stated that my mother told her one night. With me at school and Kaleb gone, then the family would return to perfect ness. Though there was one thing my mother promised Macey that she wouldn't hurt Kaleb anymore once he was better and sent home. Well that promise didn't last long. While I was back at school she started poisoning my baby again. My beloved baby boy. I swear that month and a half with him every waking moment, even while he was sleeping and seeing him suffer.

Macey wrote me a letter with the news and I freaked out. I didn't know what else to do. I knew I needed to get my son out of there. Macey did her best. She ran away from my mother. Leaving Kaleb with Nat and she running to our father's house. She is safe with my father, because he will never tell my mother that she is there.

Kaleb on the other hand. I need so much help. I need to get him safe. I can't do it on my own. HELP! I scream it outloud. Who is going to help me?

_Dear me,_

_Though you maybe having a tough time right now. Think of the future. Your son. He deserves everything in the world. You may not have any friends over the age of your son, but guess what Jacey, he is your life now. As I see it you have two option. Do what you wanted to do at the beginning of this before your mother's punishment. You can give him up for adoption. I have been looking into this thing called an Open Adoption. Though say goodbye to him Jacey he will have a real family and you will be in his life. That is what the open adoption is. You stay in his life so that you know and he knows who you are. But I don't think that you can do that Jace. I know you can't but think about your son first._

_Option two. You keep him. You set up a life for the two of you. You talk people and figure out how you can get him up here and you can make sure he is safe and see him everyday. Jacey you love him._

_The tears flow down my eyes as I write this. Because of how torn I know we are. Either way its going to be hard. I know now what they mean about you loving so one so much that it tares you up inside._

_I can't tell you what the future holds. But I can tell you that you may need support. I hope you find it. Please don't cry every time you read this. Because the options are never going to change._

_Every love,_

_Jacey_


	5. Chapter 5

Sky

My name is Airolynne 'Sky' Chandler. Though I prefer to be called Sky. Guess you wanna know more about me right? Fair enough. I shall tell you what is going on and who I am. First off I should tell you I don't talk. Don't get me wrong I have the ability to talk just I don't. something about talking fears me. But I do talk at night preferably after dark. That is because not many if any people can hear me.

Life has never been easy for me. I was born into the social worker's care. That is how I got my last name. My first social worker's name was Mrs. Chandler. That was because I needed a last name to start school and what not. But anyway I was placed into foster care when I got out of the hospital when I was four months old. I was told I was the only baby there that was not visited. Was still in foster care when I entered Horizon.

When I was in foster care I have seen and felt my fair share of pain. I have yet to tell anyone this. But Magical and Lucas don't give up on me I will tell you when I am ready. Just not yet, just not now. Let me come to you, please. That is all I am asking of you.

I have a sister her name is Leah. We are biological siblings yes, but in what a sister is I am not sure I am her sister. In order to be a sister you need to know that person. I don't know Leah. I don't think that I want to either. Being sixteen and finding you have a sister with a family and you grew up in a hell hole. I don't think I can do it.

I'm new to Horizon. I don't get into trouble. The reason why I am here is because of a court judge thinking that enough was enough and sent me to a constant. That constant being Horizon. When I wouldn't say who I had sexual relations with or explain where I got my bruises from, that was when the courts thought it best to remove me from the situations. Seeing it wasn't my first time they needed to change the fact that I had to get out of the foster care system. So I did, thanks to the courts though.

That is all my life. Nothing so grand. Nothing too dramatic. But here is my letter anyway.

_Dear me,_

_You know who it is, Sky. The girl that talks to you. But you don't talk back to me. I understand, but Sky its as though you have been sucked into a black hole. I don't know how to get you out. I am trying. Sky. I really am._

_It is though you are hiding from everything and everyone. I miss you Sky. Who you were. Who you used to be. If you don't come back to the light for others Sky, come back for me. I know you are in there. Just where is the question. I will find you. I promise you that Sky._

_Pertaining to Leah, I know you are confused. Just follow the compromise that both your heart and soul. That is all I can tell you._

_Look at the stars to guide you,_

_Sky_


	6. Chapter 6

**Cain**

My name is Cain. I know that I am probably not the one people want to be near. Considering where I am from and what I did. I mean I brought a gun to school and threatened to shoot up the whole school. That and I created little bombs to go off at school. They never did though. After that I went to a school named Horizon for dysfunctional teens. Well the story begins at the very beginning.

I was born a twin. Though I was born twenty-three minutes after her. When she was about fifteen minutes old she passed on. My mother named her Caina before she had died though. When I was born she decided to call me Cain. My father showed no interest in me as my mother told me he died. But I later found out that was a lie when I was forced to Horizon.

I was born in a tiny town and moved to Seattle Washington when I was only a few months old. There my mother and I learned to live on our own. I was the man of the house and had to protect my mother. The way I have since I was a baby. At least that is what she says. I don't know whether to believe her or not. So I just go along with the flow.

Well I was just the nerd in school. Stuck with my studies and paid more attention to either cross country or math team, even the debate team. Though I have never had a zit or had a blemish on my face, because I was in the groups that I was in I was considered a nerd. I guess I always hated to be treated as one and teased as though it was a bad thing that I was a nerd. Guess what I was pretty happy to be one. At least I was smarter then Neil. Captain of the football team and has about one working brain cell. He used to tease me the most.

I used to confide in the teacher and talk to them, but I guess I wasn't really getting all my frustration out. My mother worked almost twenty-four, seven and had some useful time working on trying to map out the school. I created the map and set up the hit list. A list that had Neil and the top. Most of his buddies and some of the cheerleaders along with others who teased me.

Yea they didn't mess with me after I brought the gun and held it to Neil's head. Now did they. The bombs didn't go off though. And I didn't pull the trigger. The cops talked me out of it. I mean how hard was it to just pull my finger. But I couldn't and I didn't want to.

So I came to Horizon because the courts said it might help me more then jail. I am here now. There isn't much else to say. Actually there is. My half brother is my Anger Management teacher. His name is Curt. He is a pretty cool guy. I guess it is better so that I know that I am not the only one. I just wished that I knew before this incident then maybe I could have had someone to look up to and confide in. Then I wouldn't be here and met the people that I did.

I don't know what else to say about me because I normally don't talk about myself.

_Dear me,_

_I know that you might not listen to me because I know you. You have a thick head and sometimes refuse to think about others when you are trying to figure things out. But maybe because this letter is for you, you might listen._

_Cain nothing was your fault. Caina didn't die because of you. Even if your mother blamed you plenty of times. I know this Cain. It hurt you that you weren't the baby girl that she formed that instant bond with. But Cain you are your own child Cain. She learned to love you. _

_I know you have a crush on that girl. Go for it. Know that you need to build up your confidence. The worst thing she could do is say back off and/ or let's just be friends. I know you are new to Horizon and am still having some problems but smile a little and remember don't be so nerdy but be yourself._

_Here's another hint. Don't let things get under your skin as much. No hit lists, please. And remember, if no one else loves you, you yourself does._

_Bond with your brother. Make up for the lost time that you never got the chance to fulfill. Allow him to know you Cain. I know you hate your mother. She did things that she shouldn't have done. But maybe she did do something right. Gave you a chance to get to know your brother._

_Hells never going to touch you,_

_Cain_


End file.
